*This is a post that Jack’s birth mother wrote on his fifth birthday. I love her honesty and I love her. She says her only regret was not having us in the room when he was born…This sweet girl let us be in the room throughout early labor. We left for her to sleep and push, that’s really about it. We came in the room immediately after he came out and she sat in her hospital bed and watched as I held him first, gave him his first bath, his first bottle, his first kisses. There should be no regrets about that. She is amazing and we are forever grateful.
Where has time gone…
Five years ago today I gave birth to the sweetest boy in the whole world. Although I miss him every single day of my life; and not a day goes by that I don’t watch him grow up in another families arms… I wouldn’t change the choice I made for the life of any of us; adoption.
I will never forget the day I was told I was 39 weeks pregnant and due in the next two days. I look back now and deep down knew I was pregnant; but never realized how far along I really was…
The next day I ended up meeting with an adoption counselor and choosing the most amazing family in the world. We met the next day and I fell completely in love… That was after I was so scared I thought I was going to vomit on myself. I thought they’d dislike me, not like my looks, body figure, the way I talked, how I was raised, I just felt like I’d be judged from head to toe and they’d decide because of that; they didn’t want to adopt him. That never happened.
To this day I cannot describe just how I truly feel about them; and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able too. Two weeks later; I gave birth. I only had one person in the room with me; my life long best friend… If I could go back and change that and allow them to be in the room; I would. That is the ONLY regret I have to this day. They waited patiently outside; and never looked down upon me for the choice I made by not having them in there.
The first two years of his life were by far the hardest. I was processing the fact that I would always be the “2nd mom” in his life; or maybe he’d never know who I was. Although it is an open adoption and we agreed to 4 visits a year… I knew deep down, I’d never pursue those visits if it didn’t come naturally. All I did know is I had signed away my first child; that I loved more than life itself; to a family I really knew nothing about; in hopes of them raising him to be a respectful, caring and loving young man.
During those two years; they also gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. They were told they’d never be able to have children and tried for SO long before they adopted. When I received this news on one of our visits; which were still new to all of us… It was the hardest thing I thought I’d ever hear. I was so scared they’d love her more, they’d treat her better and give her so much more because she was “theirs”.
At this time I started to open up to a couple of people about how I was feeling towards everything, they reassured me that they would NEVER treat her any differently… I look back three years ago; and feel beyond selfish for ever thinking that.
Visits started becoming more of “our” thing; although I still always took someone with me, just in case I’d have a hard time with it after the visit. When I’d leave from visiting with them for the day, running around with their children, laughing, going to the amazing little cafe down the road, or helping him ride his bike down the path; or swinging with her on the swings, running beside her as she learned to ride her bike… It all started to come together as a “family”.
We started having more regular visits. I started learning so much about what I had missed in the last two years. How far each child had come. They started recognizing me when I’d come over; instead of the lady who just popped in and out every once in awhile. They wanted to share so much with me, from their toys to what they learned in school that week. I felt like I finally fit in to where it was never going to be awkward again.
Last year I was invited to his fourth birthday party; the joy, excitement, and the vomiting on myself all rushed back inside of me. I didn’t know how it was going to be when I showed up; what was the family going to say? Were they planning on talking to me about everything, or pushing me aside?
I walked in the front door; all heads turned I knew deep down everyone who knew; knew who I was. For the first time I felt okay, I knew I belonged and every single one of them enjoyed me being there. One walked up to me; looked me in the eyes, hugged me and whispered “thank you”. I was at a loss of words. Nothing came out. So if you ever happen to read this, I want to say: “No, Thank you.” I left that day and had the reassurance that every single worry I had, big or small; never needed to be a worry of mine again. Did it take me four years to realize this? Yes. Am I ashamed of that? No. Am I still healing in ways? Absolutely. Will I always be healing in some way? Most likely.
The end of summer neared this year, and I finished it off with a sleep over at their house. The kids were SO excited; I’m sure along with all us adults, but who’d admit that? We played, rode bikes, went on a walk, he picked his way out of the raspberries at the school, went to the most amazing hamburger shop ever, watched people jump off cliffs with parachutes, talked about what adoption meant and all he could say about it was “it’s so awesome!”, picked blackberries at their grandparents house, and had story time before bed.
Did I ever imagine being here five years ago? No. I am beyond thankful for everything they’ve done for not only him, but for myself as well. I loved/love this little man so much; I wanted/want him to have the world… Be spoiled rotten, and I knew five years ago, that’s something I’d never be able to offer him. Even though some days I had second thoughts; I know now… I made the right choice for him, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
“We may not have it all together; but together we have it all”